People of zee wurl, Relax!


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If you get letters like this from me consider it a wake-up call
Dear Drivers On Dark Roads on Dark Alaska Nights:

Yes, it is dark outside. Yes, it is hard to see. Yes, I want to drive with my brights on because there are big scary MOOSAGES just waiting to run out in front of my car. But HEY! Dim your brights when there is an oncoming car! You're not doing me any favors when I'm all like "Oh hey here comes another car. I'll turn off my brights! I can't see as well now but that's ok, that other driver needs to see tooOWWWW! I CAN'T SEE!! It's even worse than it was two seconds ago!!! If any moose jump out I AM SO GOING TO DIE."

That Other Driver Who Is More Likely To Veer Into Your Lane If She Can't See The Road Because Of Your Jerkishness And Who Is Even More Likely To Hit You If She Hits A Moose First

Dear Ballsy Turnagain Arm Drivers:

You're on what is probably the most beautiful road in all of the United States, but hey, why not speed up that SUV of yours that weighs the same as the beluga whales who are swimming just below us to warp speed when there are 70 mile per hour gusts ripping through the arm? I am sure that it would be a terrible loss if your precious SUV flew off the road onto the mud flats below, taking you with it, and it would be an even more terrible loss if you ended up just like everyone else who gets stuck in the mud flats, and by "like everyone else" I mean "D-E-D dead," FOR EXAMPLE: 1) the lady who got stuck while the tide was coming in and the rescue workers couldn't get her out in time so they gave her an oxygen tank and when the tide went back out she was DEAD ANYWAY because she forgot to look out for hypothermia! 2) the guy who got stuck in the mud flats and the rescue workers couldn't get him out by conventional means so they got a helicopter to pull him out but that mud was SO STUBBORN that he got ripped in half!

AWESOME, HUH??? Aren't you SO EXCITED to be driving THAT FAST on that road? I wish I was invincible too!

Apparently The Only Driver On Turnagain Arm Without Either An Adolescent's Bulletproofness Or A Death Wish

Dear Mr. I Love To Tailgate When It's Raining ESPECIALLY BECAUSE Visibility Is Nil:

I guess that says it all, doesn't it?

Not Willing To Die Because You Are A Moron

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Have you attempted to report these morons? I'd imagine you'd draw some amount of persuasive attention to them if you did.

Frankly, unless their actions directly affect the likelihood of my relative (and never 100% certain, after all) safety, I don't care how careless/risky they are with their own lives...though a darker part of me secretly hopes that if they DO nonetheless meet with disaster, that they die before the rescue teams show up- so then at least we're not subsidizing their carelessness with our tax dollars. =P

If only the Darwin Awards could be meted out to specific targets.

Ooooh, country driving. Being in Wisconsin, not so much Moosages, but the DoeADeers keep you alert.

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