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The dice are in another's hand
angry
smoore
Today has been a fairly devastating day.

Y'know the type, one of those days where you begin to seriously think about some pretty big choices you've made in your life and you begin to ponder how it will affect the choices you will make down the road -- and you realize that it may even affect your ability to make a choice.

The choices that just a few in lofty places make trickle down to me. They affect whether I will be able to stay in the career field that I chose, want to stay in, and around which all of my goals revolve.

They affect other things that many others likely take for granted -- like whether I will be able to ever be physically co-located with the man that I have chosen as a mate and want to marry.

A large part of my frustration, anger, and sadness stems from the fact that I am a very goal-oriented person. I always have been. I set a goal, make a plan, and either achieve it or I don't -- and that success has always depended on my actions and the decisions that I make. There hasn't been much left to chance.

Now, however, I am no longer controlling the variables, and neither is anyone else that I know -- someone that I have no relationship holds all the keys, and my plans live or die by what they decide. In a way this is like applying for college, competing for my scholarships, at least in the way that some nameless, faceless person was deciding my fate -- but it's so different in the way that their decisions were based upon my merit and the merit of those I was competing against. Now, I am facing off with a document that sets "policies," "procedures," and "regulations." There is no grey area. There is no meritocracy. You either fit in Box A or Box B.

And if "you fit into box A" means "you will revert to another career field" or "you will be separated from the one you love for another three years," well, then, it sure sucks to be you.

And by "you," I mean "me."

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Wow, can I ever sympathize. With pretty much everything you said.

They affect whether I will be able to stay in the career field that I chose, want to stay in, and around which all of my goals revolve. They affect other things that many others likely take for granted -- like whether I will be able to ever be physically co-located with the man that I have chosen as a mate and want to marry.

Nick is trying his best to find a job in/near Tallahassee, but it's not easy. And if he can't find one it means either I transfer grad schools, drop out of grad school, or we continue living in different time zones. That's pretty much no choice when my goal for quite awhile has been coming to a good grad school and getting a Ph.D. But it does make you question things, like if you changed all your professional goals to be with someone you loved would you be just as happy? And why'd you even choose the path you're on in the first place?

I guess for me it just introduces a whole lot of doubts and questions that I don't even know how to think about.

And if me and you lived in the same time zone, I would say that we need to commiserate with good food and alcohol. Damn.

Hey, Happy Birthday! :)

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